Running = sleeping

Not adopting a baby = sleeping

Not having job stress = sleeping

Ya’ll I am straight-up starting to become genuinely terrified as I’ve been dealing with some pretty serious insomnia this entire week. I’m talking I literally have been awake now since Wednesday morning at 8AM and it is now Friday morning at 10:37. The 3 nights before that I had large chunks of time where I remember vividly watching the clock tick minutes by.  I have maybe been alseep 1 hour in the last 48, and it was not restful. I cannot turn my brain off. I literally move or roll over in bed and my heart races with every slight movement. My eyes don’t feel heavy in the slightest, but my body has shut down and I was not even coherent when my alarm went off at 4:40AM this morning for work. I had to call in sick as I don’t feel I’d be fit to drive myself home from work tonight at 8PM.

This cannot continue. I’ve tried reading. I’ve tried hot milk. I’ve tried soaking in lavender epsom salt baths. I even have stayed wide awake taking melatonin (which used to knock me flat on my butt within 30 minutes).

My thoughts at night are a jumbled mess. I think about running, or not running. I think about my dumb leg. It doesn’t hurt at all. I’ve had a twinge here and there this week, but nothing to throw a stick at. Today marks 5 weeks since my last run. I have no idea what I’m doing. When I can safely start trying to do some sort of run/walk plan. I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS INJURY. And yet I’m terrified to even think about trying to run 5 feet either. Because what if I have sharp pain? What if it comes back? How much is too much? To face disappointment again would literally kill my soul. I’m serious. I can’t bear the thought of it. I’m not even trying to be over-dramatic. It’s how I feel. Because if you’ve been reading my blog at all for some time, you know this is injury #12 in the last year and a half.

I.am.scared.

We’re adopting a baby. And while I try to keep that portion of my life off this blog as much as possible, we made the whole process official this week by completing our million page application and my husband and I both wrote all our essay question answers and our huge papers for our agency. I’ve got books I need to read, a home study to prepare for that will probably start next month. I have a house that is so out of control unorganized it’s intense. My dog is currently in training with a canine coach and getting him acclimated has been interesting.

I might be a mom in a few months. I’m scared of this process. I’m scared of how much this is going to transform our lives. I’m going to be responsible for a human being, not just a cat and a dog. I’m excited, but terrified this is going to be the hardest journey in my marriage thus far.

I.am.scared.

I was off from work for 10 days and just went back yesterday in a complete non-sleep stupor where I tried to train a new employee for 10 hour of the 12.5 I was there. She’s doing wonderful, but I fear I’m not much help to her when I’m not awake. Trying to train someone properly in a short amount of time is stressful. My role at my job is to essentially try to coordinate/maintain peace/smooth flow for an 18 patient med/psych unit at all times. It is HARD WORK at times and overwhelming. It’s a very thankless job most of the time and my friend/new employee is overwhelmed and starting to see that as well. While I love my job, I can’t sugar coat reality at times and I feel bad. How do I make it enjoyable and not overwhelming? I can’t.

I lie in bed and my chest feels like I just tried to swim 3 miles (and I don’t swim, so that should tell you something). My chest feels heavy, my heart is racing, my mind is off the charts crazy.

Plain and simple. I need to get back to running. STAT. Because this sort of life, this sort of not-sleeping behavior, is something the old Courtenay had to deal with when I didn’t live an active lifestyle. I slept like a baby when I was able to train the way I wanted to train.

Running is my main stress reliever and I need it back, but how can I do that if it’s one of my main stresses in life at the moment too?

Double-edged sword.

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One Response to Running = sleeping

  1. Kathy says:

    Courtenay,
    I know we haven’t really talked for a long time, so I hope it’s not super awkward that I’m commenting. I hear ya with the “I miss the running workout” cries! As a former runner, I can say that I love swimming workouts! Yes it’s hard to learn good technique, but it’s a really great total-body workout. It leaves me more satisfied than a bicycle workout. Have you tried aqua-jogging? Most public pools have aqua-joggers that you can use. You don’t even have to know how to swim to use them. I bet L-Jo would be happy to help you learn the basics of swimming! :)

    As far as adopting, I cannot say that I have any personal experience. I’m not sure if any parents though feel that they’re truly ‘ready’. Any major change is scary. Have you seen the musical “Into the Woods”? One of my favorites – ‘Red Riding Hood’ describes her own feelings as ‘Excited and Sacared’. Good Luck!

    -Kathy

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