Oh hey there, BLOGGITY friends!
Oh wow. I apologize (or maybe you didn’t notice), but I’ve been severely lacking in posts as of late. Life has been soooo busy ever since before Christmas that today is truly the first day I’ve had off with not a whole lot on the schedule to accomplish since then. I mean truly I’m getting my butt thoroughly kicked right now with responsibilities. It’s been killin me.
I hope you all had a fab New Year (I’m getting on that New Year’s Day race recap. I promise).
I wanted to talk to you all about something that’s been kinda plaguing me mentally for quite some time. I am obsessed with my own expectations when it comes to running. And by that I mean I have numbers running through my head that go hand-in-hand with the expectations I place upon myself for every training run & every race. When I don’t meet those expectations, I beat myself up so bad and then the following runs are terrible. Oh and yes, I end up injured 9 times out of 10.
A lot of you have been following my blog for a while now and know my journey has not been an easy one. I’m just going to come right out and say it, while I am not necessarily a “fast” runner, I have pushed myself to the brink for a year now and every single PR I claim is a total sham and an utter embarrassment to me. Why? Because I have never once come out of a PR without some residual injury rearing its ugly head, or not feeling like death. I am not a strong runner. I’m insanely weak. Because I’m weak, I’m a total mess mentally.
This year is all about getting myself healthy and doing it in a way that is going to wreck me up inside for quite some time. While I’m still going to ramp up the cross-training and the strength-training with my coach, we’re removing the time expectations from my runs. There is a very good chance that PRs might not happen this year. If they do, so be it, but I am not making that a goal.
My husband said something to me last week that just hit me up the side of the head like a ton of bricks. He said “Courtenay! You were a much happier runner when all you cared about was adding distance. You came home so excited that you’d just run 7 miles. Now you come home and you’re all pissed because you ran 6 miles, but you did it in over an hour. I miss THAT Courtenay.”
He is so right. And it’s expectations that I have brought upon myself. I subconsciously felt I wasn’t working hard enough at running and training if it didn’t hurt or I didn’t feel like death. Like toning and building endurance and strength wasn’t going to happen if I didn’t want to crawl into a hole and die afterward. What?? Who thinks like that?
While I think Garmins are fun to have to see the data they provide, man can they REALLY screw you up.
My PR times are goals I hope to attain again in the future, but they’re not the end-all to my running experience. I want to hit those marks again, and I will, just in ways that I can be proud of and do as a much stronger individual.
I said this process is going to wreck me up inside for quite some time and I mean that. It will not be easy for me to put the watch away and not pay attention to my pace. It’s like a sickness, an obsession that I have to get out of my head. I’m thankful I have several people in my running “circle” who are gonna keep me level-headed and real about that. They know who they are. *cough*my coach*cough*my husband*cough*Dr.R*cough* (THE TRIFECTA as I call them) And it’s going to be a process. Sure I’ll still document a lot of runs, but I’m not going to throw a hissy fit if I run 7 miles in 1:07 or 1:20. Who the crap cares as long as I do it and can walk the next day.
I’m not competing with anyone, I’m not running for anyone but myself, and it’s time I started realizing that.
Do you struggle with any similar issues?
AND P.S. I found out last night that I’ve apparently been nominated for a #runchat blogger award for 2011!!! I am a HUGE supporter of all-things #runchat on twitter and have made so many wonderful friends through participating in those discussions a couple of times a month. I am honored and humbled, and not to mention totally SHOCKED to be nominated for this. Voting ends on Thursday night. If you would be so kind to vote, this link will direct you to the survey page. Thanks, guys! And check out #runchat if you haven’t yet! It’s such an amazing community to be involved in!
My twitter handle is @autopilotlegs