Broken.

Have you noticed that I haven’t blogged as much lately?

1) I’ve been super di duper busy.

2) I feel rather broken. No, not really physically, but mentally. I’m beaten down. I’ve hit a very huge wall.

I hear people talk about this all the time. Running burn out. I didn’t think it could ever happen to me considering I hardly run at all anymore with the last 8 months being non-stop injuries. I’m there. I’ve over it. I’m over caring. I’m over my body. I’m done putting every single ounce of my being out there desperately trying to put out mileage.

I honestly hate who I have become and what the past couple of months have made out of me.

Scary, eh?

I’ve always viewed running as my main coping mechanism when the world around me starts pressing in. You know what’s funny? I find it ironic I made one of the main things stressing me out in life as my primary way of coping. STUPID. It only took me 8 months of physical pain to realize that’s probably not the smartest idea.

I’ve not made smart decisions when it comes to training and running in the past. Obviously. I’m making smarter decisions now (with a coach, new training plan, etc). All I can do is learn from my mistakes, hope to go forward in a more positive way, and hope that someday I can actually achieve the goals I set out to accomplish.

Right now I’m seriously broken. I have no inkling of when, or if the passion will ever return at the intensity it has been. Surprisingly I’m OK with that right now. I have learned a TON about myself in just the last month that needs to change.

I’m proceeding with caution. I’m really throwing a lot of effort into cross-training. I pretty much haven’t run now in almost a month. I’m finding myself enjoying that more and more and my coach has really been opening my eyes to what I didn’t realize I could accomplish through different exercises. This is definitely a positive. I need to realize that staying fit, active, and healthy doesn’t always mean I have to run to accomplish that; there are other means of staying fit and keeping up endurance. For right now, that’s what I’m focusing on.

Do I miss running? YOU BET. I’m in a very serious transition time right now (and believe me this is NOT easy) where I’m starting to place a lot more energy on other forms of exercise. I’m trying to balance my life out in other ways and not rely so heavily upon running OR even exercising for that matter. I want this to always be a part of who I am, but not be ALL that I am. Does that make sense?

I’m FORCING myself to make this difficult transition in my mindset, and honestly sometimes I feel like mentally this is going to be more difficult than dealing with any injury I’ve had in my past.

So that’s where I am.

I’m at a point of “not caring.” Consider yourself informed.

Does this mean I’m going to stop blogging? HECK NO! But right now, if things are bit few and far between than normal, it’s just that I’m trying to keep my head above water in this and find a NEW and BETTER me! :)

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6 Responses to Broken.

  1. I have had a similar experience lately. Just totally hating running right now. And I’m training for a half in November. I’m not getting in the mileage that my training schedule says I should because I can’t run 5 days a week and not get injured. So I’m following my own training plan and doing a lot of cross training, too. It has been the best thing for me. But I’m still struggling with running. So I feel your pain.

    I also haven’t blogged much lately. It’s been over two weeks I think. School started and I totally lost all focus relating to running and blogging. So don’t feel bad.

  2. blondelovestorun says:

    I too have been there. I have struggled with injuries, and wondered if it is worth all the pain just to be fit. I think everyone hits the wall now and then. I didn’t want to lose the passion for running, so I backed off and started mixing some cross training in there. Come to find out I like doing both, and some days I do both. I too am on a half training marathon schedule, but I am not increasing my mileage like I should, and hey I am ok with that. I am ok with just running my 3-4 miles when I run. I still get the benefits of stress relief with some exercise mixed in. It hit me my last run that I really enjoy just doing what I am doing and nothing more. I will stick to the schedule, because it gives me a structured running plan…but screw the miles. Yes, it would be an accomplishment to do the half marathon but…whatever. I am 42 (almost a few days I will be) I am just happy to be doing something and staying fit. I also quit racing, and that helpped my mental focus and reduced my injuries! Actually I have not had any injuries (knock on wood) since I quit racing. I am going to limit myself to 2 local races a year. Everyone hits a rough spot. I guess how you handle it and change it is what is important, and I think you handled it great. You got a coach and readjusted your attitude towards training, so that you can enjoy it without getting hurt. Heck, that is awesome. Not many people can admit they need help. I know I can’t. You will find your love for running again. It may not be what it was before, but you will always love it and always want to do it. You don’t have to blog everyday about running. Blog about your cross training or anything else you want to get off your mind that day. Heck, I dont blog every day…I never know what to talk about because I am new at it.

  3. Nota says:

    It sounds like you just lost sight of the big picture for a minute. That big picture being “what am I wanting to get out of this?” – better health, feeling happy, feeling accomplished, etc – not “complete a marathon or half-mar”. Then how do you make THAT happen. Do you have to have a 13.1 or 26.2 medal to be healthy or feel accomplished? No. Feel good about who you are and the rest of being happy will follow, no matter how many times you run a week.

  4. Bree says:

    Sorry you are feeling that way.

    If it’s any consolation, I am planning on taking some time off next week after this race. I need a mental breather. I wish this would have come in the middle of the summer, not when the weather is getting great for running. Or maybe not since the highs have been in the mid 80′s and that isn’t quite what I was picturing for September. Anyway, hang in there :)

  5. Heidi Nicole says:

    So sorry you are dealing with all of this. But hey, you have realized what is up…that counts for something! When it comes to running {or lifting, or biking…} I definitely burn out mentally before physically. Enjoy your time trying out new workouts – you’ll probably learn a ton!

  6. Lisa says:

    I think everyone reaches a point like this w/ various things in life. As runners, I think we can put so much pressure on ourselves that, like you say, the things you live about running and that make you feel good can start to overwhelm you and drive you crazy.

    I was in a slump most of the summer, but I tried to just take days off from exercise (except for the farm…) when I needed them. I’m feeling somewhat back to normal now, but I guess it’s not realistic to except to myself to train consistenly all the time. Seems obvious, but it took some soul searching for me to realize.

    Blessings to you Courtenay; hope all goes well during this time for you.

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